Family Psychologist on Coping with “Back-to-School” Anxiety Amid Covid-19 Spikes

This week, I interviewed Dr. Kelly Parsons, a Clinical Psychologist who works in a public state educational facility and also has a private practice — The Pursuit of Wellness — specializing in childhood development and family therapy. She shared a detailed analysis on the psychological impact of this Covid trauma (for parents and their children), helpful mantras to help us all stay sane, and how parents can use the art of play, storytelling, and some key communicative skills to help the whole family cope with the added “back-to-school” stress.

Interview Transcript Below:

1.)   I know it’s a divisive, controversial issue – but what would you say to help calm anxious parents in the midst of some tough decisions as schools begin to open next month?

I wish there was something perfect to say to help with parents’ concerns about the pandemic, but the fact is, there’s nothing anyone can say or do will 100% ease their mind during this dilemma. The main point to remember is that you only need to worry about what is right for your family. Not your neighbor’s families, doctor’s families, or the Kardashian’s families. You will be seeing constant news articles, social media posts, and experience conversations that will have you feeling worried, doubtful, guilty, or angry about either choice. What works for your friends and neighbors, might not work for you. And that’s okay.

This is the perfect time to practice a non-judgemental stance with your friends and family. To quote the ever wise Amy Poehler, “Good for her! Not for me.” You can agree and support someone else’s choice while simultaneously not making that same choice. This is a great way to protect your own mental health – as comparing yourself to others is a losing battle. I also want to remind parents that the choice is not permanent. It’s possible that you could send your child to school and then decide it is not the right choice down the road. 

It can often help to take your anxious thoughts into your own hands and channel them into productive action. Reach out to the Board of Education and your elected officials to demand information on their plan/timeline for re-opening schools, how they are ensuring safety, and what your rights are as a parent. Participate in the live-streamed town hall meetings to get answers and have your concerns be heard. These town hall meetings are happening NOW so there is no time like the present to get involved.

2.) Can you share some professional insights on unique challenges that might lie ahead a.) for parents choosing to send their kids back to school or daycare and also b.) parents choosing to homeschool their children without much experience in education (+ busy schedules)?

Parents right now are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Regardless of which direction parents choose to take, they will face their own unique stressors and concerns when the new school year begins.

There are millions of Americans who have resumed daycare and camp services with their children. For most, this has gone off without a hitch. I hear from parents that their young children are starting to be asked to wear masks throughout the day. As we all know, masks are hot and uncomfortable. Adults wear them because we know the reasons why we need to, but young children cannot mentally grasp the need for it and therefore are more likely to have behavioral issues related to the masks.

You may notice an increase in tantrums, irritability, or defiance involving the masks, no matter how many times you tell them how important it is. For this young population, there are many books being published to help use narrative guidance to help them better understand. For young children, play is their language. It doesn’t matter how many times you say something to them, they may not understand it when it is not in their language. 

Using play and stories will better get the message across using their own language.

Some books include “The Day the Lines Changed: An Inspiring Story about a Line, a Pandemic, and How Change Shapes us All,” “A Little SPOT Stays Home: A Story About Viruses And Safe Distancing” and “Rona Stole My Fun!: The Four Year Old Vs the Virus.” You can even try to put masks on their toys and stuffed animals to normalize the masks further.

For families sending their children to school in August or September, the biggest obstacles will be safety.

As mentioned above, try to get as much information as you can on exactly what the school is doing to keep the children and staff safe. What is the protocol for when (not if) there is a positive case? What protocol can you set up at home that can reduce transmission? This protocol is not just for parents, it can also help reduce children’s anxiety. 

In addition to safety, returning to a strict schedule will also be challenging. Please keep in mind, most children will have been out of the formal school schedule for nearly six months. There will likely be a big learning curve as they adjust to waking up at a firm time, needing to follow a strict schedule, and an increase in academic expectations. This is in addition to the emotional/social shift of being overstimulated by their environment, a large influx of social stimulation, not being able to rely on their most recent coping skills, and all of this on top of anxiety related to fear and safety.

If you choose to keep your child home for the fall semester, your biggest challenges as a parent are making sure your child is still meeting their social and emotional needs and building important skills for their developmental level.

The quarantine has impeded the development of many important skills related to adjusting to transitions and change, adapting to sensory stimulation, adhering to routines, and emotional regulation. These skills are crucial at each age point and are skills that come through frequent practice and trial and error. It is certainly not impossible to practice any of these skills while being home-schooled, but it may take more effort and creativity to ensure these skills are being practiced daily.

In addition to these imperative skills, there are roughly 7 million students who are missing out on disability services through the public education system. These services include speech and language services, occupational therapy, intensive reading interventions, one to one assistance, and even counseling. Before the beginning of the school year, reach out to your child’s school personnel and see if these services will be available virtually and inquire about techniques that can be used at home to encourage the continued progress of some of these areas of weakness. 

Despite these unique concerns, both choices will lead to challenges with routine, scheduling and structure. It is unlikely that the school year will resume at 6.5 hours a day, 5 days a week. This means that parents will be taking on the role of assisting with education or even educating their children themselves. The best that we can do for ourselves and our families is to create a flexible structure in the home that allows time for education, physical activity, mental health, down time, and social skills. This will look different to each household and there is no right or wrong in how it is done. Remember, education and lessons come in all different shapes and forms. Math can be taught while cooking, reading through comics, and frustration tolerance through video games. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself or your child and adapt the mantra “I am doing the best I can and it is good enough.”

 If you think your family may need additional support during this chaotic transition, I recommend finding a therapist who can provide specific interventions to prepare your family for the physical and emotional shifts that will be happening during the school year. Most therapists are offering telehealth services that are covered by insurance and are more easily accessible than ever.

3.) I know you recently published an article with some helpful resources for families trying to overcome some psychological hurdles in the thick of quarantine life… Can you share some basic therapeutic solutions or coping mechanisms for families juggling a myriad array of new daily “jobs”, routines, etc. as we enter the “back-to-school” phase of this pandemic?

My biggest motto throughout the pandemic has been to “do what works.” You may have noticed your family easily fell into a new routine, or maybe you noticed that the house became chaotic. I recently wrote a piece about specific interventions to try if you noticed that some habits in your family were not working during the pandemic. In just a few weeks, we will experience the new transition of back-to-school. 

Like any year before, it is probably a good idea to slowly integrate some structure throughout the last few weeks of summer so that your child can adjust to waking up, getting ready quicker than usual, and getting out the door. This will help reduce the shell shock of hearing that 6 a.m. alarm clock, remembering to grab their lunch, and having 30 minutes to get ready and catch the bus.

 I hear from most of my clients that the last few months of virtual school were not as academically challenging as usual. This is due to teachers trying to adapt their lesson plans to technology while being considerate of many families’ limitations with access to computers, the internet, and the ability for parents to assist while also doing their own jobs. To prepare your student to get back into the school state of mind, have them begin to do more frequent reading and critical thinking. It can be a book, a news article, a comic, or anything of their interest. Reading helps improve skills such as theory of mind, imagination, language comprehension, improved vocabulary, stress reduction, and memory improvement.

 Many students have also not had to wear masks for long periods of time. Although it might seem silly, beginning to have them wear the mask in the home will make it easier to adjust to wearing it in school. Some people find certain masks more comfortable than others, such as paper vs cloth. Have them experiment with a few to see what type of mask and bands are the most tolerable for them.

You can make the mask seem slightly less threatening by having them pick out their mask and decorate it.

Although some students have been fortunate enough to socialize with family members or neighbors within a safe social distance, there are many youth who have used this time to further withdraw from their peers and family members. Avoidance is the number one and best reinforcement of anxiety because it works so well!

If you have noticed that your anxious teen has been socializing less with family members, friends, and not engaging in virtual socializing, it may be time to give them a little nudge. Small social goals, such as a 15 minute conversation with Grandma and slowly increasing to 1 hour of peer socialization, can make a big difference when they return to school and will be surrounded by noises, people, and conversation for numerous hours a day.

 4.) Experts in sociology, psychology, education, and childhood development have published a great deal about the onslaught of unique and unprecedented mental health issues for children in response to months of quarantine life and limited social interactions coupled with complex family dynamics and possibly troubled or abusive home lives. To top it off, they have been bombarded with 24/7 media coverage RE: sickness and death… Can you share a few thoughts about how this might manifest itself for families and educators? And how parents, mentors, teachers, and counselors might best respond to said manifestations?

 COVID-19 will certainly be reflected on as a period of trauma that the entire nation experienced collectively. Although we tend to think of trauma as a single event or violent experience, that is not the case. As a nation, there are millions of individuals who are fearing for their safety, their lives, and their futures. When we experience fear, certain parts of our brain are triggered, specifically the amygdala. When this occurs, we experience physical, emotional, and behavioral changes that are designed to keep us safe.

This is very effective when the fear is triggered by something like a bear where we are able to fight, flight or freeze, and return to normal after the experience. But imagine hiding or running from a bear every single day... and now imagine that bear is invisible. What kind of physical and emotional toll that would take on you? Well that is similar to what is happening with COVID-19.

When we are bombarded by news articles, radio shows, and family conversations that are constantly reminding us of the invisible monster that we can’t see, we feel afraid. Some people feel this fear all day, every day, and the typical coping skills we use (socializing, exercising, traveling, etc.) have not been available.

Like any trauma, those most impacted are noticing symptoms like difficulty sleeping, frequent worrying, trouble controlling thoughts, loss of motivation, fatigue, changes in appetite, irritability, withdrawal, and physical symptoms like stomach aches, headaches, sweat palms, and even chest pain. Over time, it is likely that those experiencing this high level of arousal will change our brain chemistry. This is our brain’s way of creating “shortcuts” that allow us to respond to our environment without much mental effort. Unfortunately, these short cuts will likely be maladaptive. 

For example, when we get overwhelmingly anxious at home, we may have started to learn that we feel better when we take a nap. This is a way to quickly avoid our experience and it is very effective! We also might create shortcuts like isolating from friends or family by ignoring calls and texts because it is overwhelming. Slowly, over time, our brain has learned that avoiding is our go-to.

However, when you return to work or school, these skills are no longer effective. When we start to experience ruminating thoughts at the workplace, we can’t simply escape. Our bosses would not allow us to just ignore their calls and e-mails. We must cope through the discomfort and continue to do our job or classwork.

For many children who will be trying to re-learn their coping skills, this will create problems. When they can’t avoid or escape, they may be more likely to lash out. You may notice an increase in irritability, oppositional behavior, or depression. I want to emphasize that although this is maladaptive, it is normal. Our brains need to re-learn to create adaptive shortcuts, but just like the negative habits we created, it will take time.

There is no magic pill that can help with this sort of behavior. As parents and educators, the most important thing that we can do is be present and empathic. We want to encourage the students to verbalize their experience so that we know how to help them. Avoid power struggles and commands, and instead of asking “what is wrong with you?” ask “what is happening with you?”

We want to encourage children to express themselves appropriately, through verbal, writing, or art, so that we can support them and help meet their needs. Just a reminder, allow the child to do most of the talking and that silence speaks for itself. It’s okay to share that you are also struggling. Support does not mean you are solving their problem, it just means that you are there with them in that challenging moment

It will be hard for students to practice new coping skills, but with support and creativity, it is feasible. Teachers can create a mindfulness corner, filled with coloring pages, stress balls, magazines, and books. Rather than avoid physical and emotional experiences, children can be encouraged to take breaks from physical and emotional experiences. A brief five minutes can go a long way in processing an experience and practicing emotional regulation.

In general, breaks in the classroom should be more frequent. It will be difficult for the brain to re-learn to be active for over 6 hours straight again. Breaks are sometimes seen as a bad thing or waste of time, when they really are the opposite. Even as adults, we need breaks so that our mind can rest and we can function our best. Breaks can look like games, art activities, and most importantly, physical activities. Engaging all parts of the brain is going to be crucial right now.
 

 5.) *Free space to summarize any additional thoughts on overall psychological impact of Covid-19 on families/educators in the back-to-school phase of the pandemic*

Nobody knows what the next few months have in store. It is easy to get caught up in the waves of denial, anger, and fear, but if you are in the water too long you will notice you are drowning. I encourage all families to practice self-care in the weeks leading up to school and especially when school and work resume. Self-care means that you take the guilt out of down time and do things that you and your family enjoy. This may mean turning of the TV, computer, and phones – then going on a hike instead. It may mean splurging on some new fishing rods so you can improve your fishing skills. It may mean coordinating with your partner so you can take more regular bubble baths. Whatever it is, make time for it and truly be present in that moment.